


hold me close and keep me safe

by littlemsnerd



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Nightmares, Sharing a Bed, have a party, jace is bad at Feelings, this is a fucking Trip my guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-24
Updated: 2017-03-28
Packaged: 2018-10-10 03:30:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10428165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlemsnerd/pseuds/littlemsnerd
Summary: show me what it feels like to feel safe in your armsshow me what it feels like to know i am homeshow me how to love youshow me how to be





	1. nightmares hang on past the dream

**Author's Note:**

> hey y'all whats happening heres another fic its pretty gay and pretty great i had a party writing it i hope u like reading it
> 
> come gimme a prompt on [tumblr](http://mxgnxsbane.tumblr.com) or just tell me about a really cool dog idc
> 
> have a gr8 gr8 day

All things considered, the mission had gone surprisingly well. 

Of course, all things considered included several broken doors, 3 lost seraph blades, two vandalized food trucks, some very very confused homeless people, and a possessed-then-missing-now-dead dog.

But other than that? Absolutely flawless.

Jace, Alec, and Simon stumble out of the abandoned theme park that now smells very faintly of wet dog and burned popcorn, and immediately all stop to catch their breath.

"That was a disaster." Alec huffs out between deep breaths.

"Actually, I think that went pretty well." Jace says back, a devilish smile lighting up his face, "We killed the dog, didn't we? I'd say that's mission accomplished-"

"Yea, well if that's mission accomplished, I'd hate to see what it looks like when it's not." Simon breaks in, wheezing as he stretches up to lean against the rusting Ferris wheel.

"Oh, those missions are a lot more fun." Jace bites back.

"Enough. Let's get back to the Institute before anything else goes wrong." Alec says, and turns on his heel to start walking towards the gate where they came in. Simon jogs up beside him, and he can hear Jace doing the same.

"Can't we find someplace closer? The Institute is like, two hours away. Plus, I'm really tired, and when I get tired I get real chatty-"

"Fine," Alec snaps, "I know a place."

\--

The walk to Magnus' is quiet, marked by only the occasional cab horn and emergency sirens. When they get there, Alec ushers them all in through the door, only to find Magnus standing in the front room, flipping through a book with a glass of something in his other hand. As soon as Alec walked in, it seemed as if a 10 pound weight had been lifted from his shoulders, striding across the room to tuck his chin over Magnus' shoulder, even though they were nearly the same height.

"Alexander. What a pleasant surprise this evening." Magnus murmured, placing the book and the drink on the coffee table and sliding around to fit his hands against Alec's waist. It was a slow dance, neither one wanting to disturb the quiet calm that came with this evening, drawing closer together with Alec's forearms on Magnus' broad shoulders, hands tangling loosely around his neck.

"Well, we needed a place to crash for the night, and I've missed you today." He smiled into the embrace, pressing a small kiss to his temple.

"We?"

Simon coughed, shifting awkwardly from one foot to the other, face heating up. Magnus swiveled around, not detaching himself from Alec's waist, to land his eyes on the two standing awkwardly in front of the doors. 

"Oh. Well, there's an extra room down the hall to your left," he said plainly, "there's only one bed, but that shouldn't be a problem, should it now?"

Jace sighed, "You can't like, snap your fingers and make another room, please?"

"Jonathan, I have had an extraordinarily long day, so you either sleep in the room I've provided, or on the street. Your choice." Magnus smiled smugly, and without a second glance pulled Alec into the next room and shut the door, the lock clicking with a firm sense of finality.

Simon and Jace stood in the breezeway in front of the door, not saying anything for a good 30 seconds until Simon cleared his throat.

"Um, well, I really don't need to sleep, so you can take the room."

"Are you sure? It's really okay, I'm not that tired anyway-"

"Jace, you look like you're about to fall asleep on your feet. It's fine. I'll be on the couch."

"Um, alright. Well, uh, goodnight then."

"Night, Jace."

With that, Jace started stumbling to the room, almost tripping over his feet with every other step. He made it to the small room, and without even taking off his shoes, fell on the bed and was asleep almost immediately.

Simon walked over to the couch and sat down heavily, feeling the exhaustion of chasing a demon possessed dog finally setting into his legs. He pulled out his phone to tell Clary that they were staying at Magnus' for the night before setting it aside. Stretching his arms out and yawning, he decided that a little cat nap wouldn't hurt him, before laying down and closing his eyes.

\--

Simon woke up slowly, blearily blinking the sleep out of his eyes before grabbing his phone and checking the time. 2:30 am. _You know_ , he thought, _that's the one thing I really hate about being a vampire_. The light in the apartment had slid from the warm blue of early evening to the cool black of early morning, and as he looked around, he couldn't hear much except for the occasional siren and pained sounds coming from down the hall-wait.

He stood up slowly, making sure that the noises weren't coming from Magnus' room lest he burst in on something he'd rather not see, and started slowly down the hall towards them. Towards Jace's room.

The door was ajar when he got there, and when he pushed it open, he saw Jace on the bed. His face was flushed bright red, a thin sheen of sweat shone on his face, and his hands twisted and grasped the sheets as small noises escaped from a face twisted up in fear. 

As Simon stood in the doorway, he thought that this scene would be much more enjoyable if he was on top of him, slowly biting down his neck and listening to the vibrations those noises in Jace's chest- 

Wait. 

Simon flushed a bright red, which was impressive because he definitely couldn't blush anymore, and shook his head violently to jar it into a more rational train of thought.

Suddenly, Jace shot up from the bed, eyes wide with fear and chest heaving with exertion, as if he'd been running from something very, very large and very, very scary.

"Hey, hey, you're okay, it's fine." Simon jumped with the sudden movement and quickly walked over to Jace's side, though it appeared as if Jace hadn't heard him, as he was still staring at the wall opposite the bed as if someone was going to jump out and attack him. As Simon reached the edge, he could see even clearer how bad Jace was. His eyes were unfocused, and his whole body was shaking like a leaf in a hurricane.

Simon had no idea what to do, even as he took a seat on the edge of the bed and looked desperately at Jace, waiting for an idea to hit him, something, anything that could help right now. Jace was starting to calm down slowly, but not fast enough for Simon. So, he did the only thing that he thought would help. He thought of Clary, what she would do, closed his eyes and let his instincts guide him.

Apparently, they guided his hand to Jace's hair, brushing back the strand that had shaken loose during whatever nightmare he had experienced.

Immediately, he felt Jace relax into his hand, and Simon watched as his eyes fell shut and his breathing began to even out. 

Simon feels that he's done enough at that point, so he goes to pull his hand away from Jace's hair, but he finds that he doesn't want to. It's almost like a magnet is keeping it tangled in Jace's sweat slicked hair. The longer he brushes through the strands, the less he finds that he wants to pull away. 

He figures that if it's really bothering Jace, he'll pull his head away and that will be the end of that.

(Simon doesn't know it, but Jace is awake and he does not ever, ever want this to stop.)

So that is how they sit, with Simon running his hands through Jace's hair as he relaxes into the movement ever so slowly, ever so gently, almost like he's afraid of scaring Simon and breaking this quiet spell that Jace has wanted for so long. 

Simon maneuvers them into a more comfortable position, where his back is against the headboard and Jace's head is resting on his chest, his hand continuing to play with his hair quietly.

Eventually, Jace falls back asleep like this, and Simon feels as his steady heartbeat slows. At this point, Simon knows that he should go back to the couch and try and forget that any of this ever happened, try and forget how this moment is making him feel and try to ignore the realization that is slowly creeping up on him like ice running up his veins. 

But Jace is on his chest, and he doesn't want to wake him up, and frankly, Simon doesn't want to move either.

So there he sits. Hand in Jace's hair, and the slow realization that he is falling in love with his best friends brother resting heavy on his heart. 

Simon knows that this should scare him. He's been in love with Clary for his entire life, but right now, the only thing he can think of is how nice it is to have Jace resting on his chest, and feel the soft stands of blonde hair slip through his fingers. 

And that's how he falls asleep as well. 

At some point in the night, Simon slips down from the sitting position into one where Jace is breathing slowly into the crook of his neck, his right hand curled around Jace's neck and still tangled in his hair, his other arm slung over his waist in an unconscious attempt to pull them even closer. 

(They wake up at different times. Jace is first, and as he slowly comes to awareness the first thing he feels is _safe_. Slowly, he tilts his head up to watch Simon, his small movements and how his neck feels against his face. Jace wants to burrow in closer, wants to press kisses up and down this smooth column of skin in front of him, wants to stay here in this moment forever and ever, he wants and he wants and he wants so badly. But he knows he can't. So instead, he presses back into Simon's hand one last time before carefully sliding out of the loose grip and slips out of bed, making sure that there's no widows in the room before walking outside. But not until he looks back at the sleeping figure on the bed one last time, and thinks to himself that he hasn't had that good of a night since...well, since forever.)

(Then Simon wakes up, and he tells himself that he's not disappointed when he wakes up alone in a rapidly cooling bed. He tells himself that last night he was just tired, and he's not really in love with Jace, because who could ever love a monster like him?)

(However, Simon does allow himself to think that he misses the warm mass of Jace curled around him, and he misses the feeling of him in his arms, and the feeling of his hair in his fingers, and the feeling of the solid certain mass on his chest that his mind is steadily and quickly coming to remember as _home_.)

(But they don't talk about it.)

(God, do they want to.)

(But they don't.)

(They don't.)


	2. make me bleed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> your arms make me feel safe and scared at the same time
> 
> tell me how not to be afraid anymore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey fuckers whats goin on im back 
> 
> this is like,,,really angsty im sorry i really like writing angst
> 
> my [tumblr](http://mxgnxsbane.tumblr.com) to come yell at me
> 
> they Will be happy i promise the 3rd chapters goin up tomorrow night at the latest
> 
> thanks y'all i really like this chapter so,,,,,, i hope u do too

It's weird to go from being exclusively nocturnal to actually sleeping at night.

So weird, in fact, that Simon definitely hasn't even began to figure out how to do it yet.

It's been-a week? 3 days?- since Valentine had broken into the Institute and since everything in Simon's new-normal world got flipped upside down. Again. 

Being able to do things during the day was great, don't get him wrong, but for some reason, Simon still found himself haunting the halls of the Institute during the night, and locking himself in a closet and sleeping during the day. (Note to self; make sure the closets actually locked. And apologize to Raj for scaring him).

It's like a having a normal human sleep schedule for 18 years of his life didn't even matter in the slightest, because no matter what he tried, it was still impossible to sleep at night.

The Institute at night was almost surreal; the majority of the Shadowhunters were asleep in their rooms, some were on patrol but mostly everything was just...empty. It was an old building, so the creaks and groans that had scared Simon half to death the first couple nights he was here had faded into the background as a quiet and comforting soundtrack. Simon had nearly explored all of it, from the basement where they kept all sorts of weird stuff he wasn't even sure he was supposed to know existed to the training area to the room that was all but forgotten about, where the moonlight hit the dusty chandelier at just the right angle to cause small diamonds to spin around the room, an endless dance with fake jewels and precious time.

Simon spent a lot of time there.

But tonight was not one of those nights. No, tonight he was just walking around, hand trailing along the wood paneling as he wandered like a ghost through the old church. It was quiet, just like most nights, his quiet steps punctuated by the loose floorboard under his feet; by the small scratch of his nails against the lacquered wood; by the muffled screams from down the hall-

Shit.

Simon felt his stomach drop to his feet and his blood run colder than it already was while he stood stock still and listened to the muffled cries from his right. He'd spent too long in this place, too long in this Institute and too long around these people to not recognize who's those are.

Ever since that night at Magnus's, things had been...strained between him and Jace. Of course, being the excellent liars they were, nobody else seemed to notice, and sometimes Simon could fool himself into thinking the same. It'd been a whirlwind of activity since that night, with Valentine and everything, but Simon had found himself gravitating towards Jace even more than usual, and he wasn't sure, but he felt that Jace was doing the same. That night at Hunters Moon, and the night where they had to track down Madzie with Clary, it all felt so strange and new and so... _exciting_.

Simon had tried to thank him then. For making him realize that he was making a mistake by being with Clary, making him realize that they could only ever really be friends, making him realize that while he had denied it for so long he wanted to be so much more with Jace.

Then Clary had gotten kidnapped and all of that had been swept under the rug faster than he could say "Come back with me."

Most of the following day had passed in a blur for him, the only real moments of clarity being when Clary's face melted away into Jace's and Simon had to try really, really hard not to show how much happier he was that it was him, when they stood in the hallway and Jace looked him in the eye and said that he would die for him and Simon almost kissed him right there and then, and the look on Jace's face as he stood over a room filled with bodies of Downworlders that lay motionless.

To say the least, that day had a pretty been the textbook definition of an emotional roller coaster.

Simon knew that the logical thing for him to do right now would be to walk the other way ad pretend that none of this had ever happened. Obviously, Jace didn't feel the same way, and Simon didn't want to get his hopes up for something that he knew would never happen

And yet...

Simon felt himself walking toward Jace's room, the cries getting louder and louder with every small step he took. He knew he should turn around, let Jace get through this alone, let himself get over this stupid crush and get things back to the way they were, but he couldn't.

As he reached the door the sounds reached a crescendo and stopped abruptly, as if Jace had woken up. Simon stalled outside the door, hand hovering above the knob. 

No turning back now.

He steeled himself and opened the door.

Inside was dark, the windows drawn sharply together, the only light flooding in from the hallway. The room was a mess, from what he could see; clothes scattered on the floor, nearly every surface was covered in some sort of debris, and most of the room had dust on it, like Jace hadn't been here in a while.

In the middle sat Jace on the bed, legs pulled up and arms resting on his knees. His head snapped up as Simon gently closed the door with a small click, once again plunging the room into darkness. They stood there in silence for a moment, the small space punctuated with Jace's heavy breaths, just this side of gasping for air. Then he spoke.

"I killed them. I killed them all."

Simon felt his heart drop even lower to the ground then it already was, watching as Jace started to breath a little heavier, his hands reaching up to drag down his face and then pushing back up to bury them in his hair, fear lighting up the eyes that Simon could only just see. His breathing became more and more frantic, and so did his voice.

"Simon, I killed them. Oh my God, I killed them all, they're all dead and it's my fault."

His voice broke a little more with every word, and Simon rushed over to the bed as his heart broke too. The bed dipped as he settled across from Jace, and it took everything in him to resist reaching out and grabbing his hands, lacing their fingers together and trying to show Jace that he could never, ever, have done it on purpose. 

Instead, he simply sat there, looking at his eyes, filled with fear and guilt and pure sadness.

"Please, God, I'm a monster, God, I killed them all Simon, they're all dead and they won't leave me alone, they're in my eyes and it's all my fault."

Jace had started shaking again, hands still buried in his hair, head swinging down to hang between his knees, every breath a gasp, a sharp intake of air that made his shoulders rise and fall quickly, and Simon had never felt this powerless in his entire life.

"Simon, please, I could have killed you, God, you could be dead and would be my fault, Simon, I'm so so sorry, _please_ -"

At this point, everything in him was not enough.

Simon reached out with both hands and grabbed Jace's wrists, pulling them away from his head and resting them in Simon's lap instead. As Jace's head swung up again, Simon stared him right in the eye and tried to sound more confident than he felt.

"Jace, you didn't know. None of it was your fault, you didn't kill them, you didn't kill _me_ , it's not your fault, I promise."

"But I activated the sword-"

"You thought you were destroying it. You thought you were destroying yourself, too. You didn't kill them, Jace, you were trying to save them. It's not your fault."

By the time Simon had finished his sentence, his hands were iron grips around Jace's wrists, and his voice was almost as broken as Jace's. He could still feel Jace shaking under him, could still see his shoulder rising and falling much too quickly, could feel the pounding of his heart that sounded like a kick drum, and Simon had had enough.

Doing the only thing he thought best, he loosened his grip from Jace's wrists, and brought his right hand up to his hair again. Brushing back the mess made only moments earlier, running through the strands as if to say to Jace _I am here, and you are safe._

Once again, he felt Jace relax, and sag into his arm as if he was a puppet who's strings had been cut. Slowly, his breath evened out and Simon felt him stop shaking as hard. With every movement Simon made toward him, Jace just sat there, eyes closed and breath rattling around like it was all he could do to sit up straight.

He shifted, and Jace's eyes immediately shot open and grabbed the wrist that was lying on his legs, as silently begging Simon to stay.

"Hey, hey, I'm not leaving. I just wanted to get a little more comfortable."

So that's what they did, unconsciously mirroring the events that had happened at Magnus's, Jace's head once again resting on his chest as he felt the steady pounding of his heart against his waist, the warm heat of him curling and setting into Simon's bones.

They sit in silence like that for a moment or two, processing and trying to figure out what the _fuck_ was going on with them, before Jace sleepily mumbles a question that had been lurking in his mind ever since they did this the first time.

"Why-why do you stay with me?"

No response.

"Why do you help me? Why-why don't you just leave me like everyone else does?"

Simon's hand stills in Jace's hair, and if Jace lets out a disappointed noise from the back of his throat then he pretends he didn't.

Simon? Simon just...sits there. Totally appalled at the question, shocked at its connotations and what it means Jace thinks of himself, and Simon is glad he doesn't need to breathe because right now he wouldn't be able to.

He thinks of everything that has happened between them in the past few week, of everything that Jace has helped him come to realize and what he has come to mean to him, and Simon just lets the words spill out.

"Jace, I-I don't think I could leave you if I tried. I don't think I could even leave if I wanted to-"

Silence.

"-and I don't think I ever want to leave you."

There's nothing said after that point, just the quiet breathing of Jace trying to figure out what Simon means and Simon trying to rationalize why he just said that, because if there's one thing you never, ever, do, it's tell your crush how you actually feel but its okay right now right? Because its late? And Jace probably didn't mean it and he probably won't remember because he's so tired?

Simon hopes he remembers.

\--

The next morning dawns with the cool gray steel of a New York sunrise, trying to be warm but becoming distant and cold.

They wake up the same way they did at Magnus's, with Jace pressed into Simon's neck, Simon's hand still clutched tightly in his hair, grabbing on to this lifeline that he never wants to let go of.

Jace wakes up first, again. Slowly coming to realize that it's happened again, and feeling the panic set in before a thought hits him.

The first time may have been a mistake, but twice? Now its twice that Simon has come to save him? You don't make that mistake twice.

So he stays.

Wrapped in Simon's constantly-cold arms, Jace nudges into his neck and shifts just that much closer to him, trying to hold on to this moment that neither of them asked for, but both of them desperately wanted.

The small movement wakes Simon, feeling a warm mass of _something_ curl into him and making him sigh with relief because he's tired of being cold. 

Then his eyes open and they take in the mass of blonde hair laying next to him, and Simon almost shoots out of bed faster than he could say Jace-fucking-Lightwood.

If he had a heart that beat, Simon is almost positive that this would be the moment it starts beating so hard it falls out of his chest. But he's dead. And it doesn't

He knows he should get up. Every rational brain cell that he can manage this early in the morning is screaming at him to untangle himself, walk out the door, and go back to pretending that they're still just friends.

Of course, he doesn't.

So that's how they stay, both of them awake, neither knowing that the other one is, both terrified that they're making a huge mistake but both of them just hopeful enough that they aren't. It's quiet for a long while, until Jace shifts again and decides to try something new.

"Hey."

His voice is rough and low from sleep, slightly muffled against the skin of Simon's neck, and he can feel the warm exhale of breath against it and Simon is _scared_ but he's also very, very excited.

"Hey."

Jace tilts his head towards Simons, his eyes open, and as they make eye contact, Simon can feel that something is about to happen, and he decides that he is 100% okay with it.

Jace moves his head towards Simons jaw line, teasing his bottom lip between his teeth, and as he stretches closer, closer, _closer_ -

A train of thought hits him square in the chest and suddenly, Jace can't breath, can't think, but he knows that he is making the biggest mistake of his life.

He scrambles out of bed, far, far away from whatever he was about to do, and only spares one glance at the bed before striding quickly to the door, muttering under his breath-

"Holy shit what the fuck he'd never like you back you fucking moron goddamit you just screwed it all up fuck fuck _fuck_ -"

He's cut off by the slamming of the door behind him, and the room falls silent once again.

Simon is still on the bed, propped up on his elbows and his heart sinking faster than the Titanic as he watches the door, trying to process _what the fuck just happened_ and hoping that it would open again so they could go back to whatever quiet sanctuary they had just had for one moment more.

But then his sleep addled brain catches up to something he had heard Jace mutter on the way out, and Simon shoots out of bed just as fast because he let him go once, and he is not going to let that happen again.

He yanks the door open with the words running through his head

_He'd never like you back._

"Jace!"

_Fucking moron, he does._


	3. come home (to me)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you feel so good against me,
> 
> you are the sun,
> 
> and you are burning me from the inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hEELLLOOOOO its done.,,,.,.im so sorry this turned into a,,Thing ANYWAYS
> 
> if u wanna give me another thing to lose my mind over, [tumblr](http://mxgnxsbane.tumblr.com) is right here, i take prompts even when im dead
> 
> i lov u all for the comments and the kudos, i smile like an idiot when i get the emails just i fucking love u guys
> 
> (also this is 1.7k exactly im just real proud of myself ANYWAYS read it have fun)
> 
> enjoy :))))

"Jace!"

The name bounced off of the halls of the Institute like a rubber ball, all while the one in question was trying as hard as he possibly could to avoid it. Jace was still in the clothes he was wearing yesterday, wrinkled and in disarray from a night spent sleeping in them. His hair was a mess, but thankfully no one else was in the hallway to see it.

He walked forward, deliberately not turning around to answer, the heels of his hands digging into his eyes as he tried to remember what he did to deserve this.

"Jace! Come on!"

Suddenly, there was a hand pulling his arm back, almost sending his feet flying out from under him from the pure strength behind the grab before he regained his balance and slowly turned around.

Fucking vampires and their vampire speed.

Simon looked at him expectantly, almost confused, but Jace wasn't looking at that. No, he was looking at how messy his hair looked, at how Simon was still trying to rub the sleep from his eyes, at how he looked like exactly something Jace wanted to wake up to every single morning for the rest of his Godforsaken life-

No. Stopping there.

Jace forced himself to tear his eyes away and look at _anything else_ before he did something stupid, right as Simon started to talk.

"Hey, hey, I know its been like, really weird between us lately and especially since that whole thing with Valentine happened and you found out Clary wasn't your sister and now _I_ can walk in the sun without, like, dying a horrible death, but anyways, I've been like, thinking a lot of things over and I know we have like this unspoken rule not to talk about what happened that night at Magnus's-"

"Then don't talk about it, that's kinda what rules are for." Jace bit back, tearing his arm away before walking down the hall again, just to be stopped by Simon _once again_ , and if this happened one more time-

Well, Jace can't be responsible for what he does at that point. 

"Simon, just leave it, okay?" Jace snaps as he throws his arm away from Simon's hand and looks at him deliberately.

"The point of an unspoken rule is that nobody is supposed to talk about the rule, or whatever the rule's about. I knew you were prone to getting kidnapped, but I didn't know you were an idiot, too. Just...just leave it alone, okay? It happened once, it happened again, but it's not gonna happen after this, got it? I just, I just need to go. I can't do this right now."

With every insult that came out of Jace's mouth, he felt a part of himself recoil in disgust, and it took every piece of willpower and self-control in him to not immediately turn around again and tell him _I'm sorry, I didn't mean that, I couldn't ever mean that, I'm just so scared, please, help me_.

And he didn't. So he kept walking down the hall, regretting every single step he took further away from him and every single word that came out of his mouth, cursing the day that he decided to actually _in bed_ with Simon instead of doing the smart thing and getting the fuck out of there.

Suddenly, his train of thought was cut short as he felt a gust of air go past him, grab him by the shoulders and slam him into the nearest wall.

Jace felt a surprised noise escape from the back of his throat, and he was suddenly reminded of a scenario exactly like this when he was still denying that the _thing_ he felt for Simon was hate, and not a desperate attraction.

"Please stop doing that." Simon murmured quietly, placing his palms on either side of Jace's head and caging him in. Simon was not much shorter than him, but enough where he had to tip his head back to actually meet Jace's eyes, which kind of detracted from the whole intimidation thing.

Jace definitely wasn't complaining.

He saw Simon's lips start to move, talking to him again, but the only thing that Jace could hear was the blood pounding in his ears. Earlier, he couldn't bear to look at him, but now, he couldn't stop. His eyes swept over every inch of his face, drinking in the shape of his cheekbones, the line of his jaw, the quiet determination in his eyes, the way his mouth formed around his words, canines slipping through every now and then.

Simon's fangs weren't out, but it was just enough to push Jace just over the edge and he _remembered_.

The last 3 days, he'd been trying to push it down, but it hit him with full force; the way Simon had grabbed his arm, how he felt in his arm, sucking and pulling the very life from Jace's body, the way that he had left him thrumming and vibrating with an energy that could only be described as holy, and the way that he had looked at him when he turned back into himself.

Yea. That's not something one forgets easily.

But ever since then, Jace hasn't felt any different. Maybe it's because of his angel blood, but he knows that he should feel like Simon is the only thing that matters in the world. Like Simon is his sun and moon, like he is the very reason Jace lives and breaths. Jace had read about vampire venom, has seen the way it makes people act, even Shadowhunters, and it just wasn't there.

But there was a voice scratching at the back of his head, had been ever since that day when he finally got to sit down and think about everything. Testing him, taunting.

_You don't feel different because you already think that about him._

The venom should make him want Simon like he is air and Jace is a man drowning in the deepest sea.

 _Ever since the Hotel Dumort, you have wanted him that bad. You have wanted him every single day since then, and no venom or magic in this world could change him_.

And yet, here he is. Realizing that the voice has been right this whole time, and yet still pressing himself as flat against the wall as he can go before he lets the fire running through his veins take over completely and launch him toward Simon because he _wants_ , oh God, does he want.

"Jace?"

The voice reverberates deep within him, drawing him out of whatever trance he had fallen into and pulls him back into this hallway.

Simon looks at him like he knows that he hasn't been listening to a word he says, but he so desperately wants to believe that he has been. His eyes soften, just slightly, from scared to something much more vulnerable, much more pained.

And then his voice breaks out one last sentence.

"Don't run away from me. Please."

If Jace has ever been good at something, it is not self control.

His hands fly like magnets to Simon's neck and he launches forward, pressing a forceful kiss into Simon's lips, body launching forward to press tight against him, trying to warm up this body that has kept him safe for so many nights now, and he lets go.

But Simon doesn't kiss back.

He stands there, unresponsive, unmoving, and Jace flies back to the wall as fast as he had pushed off of it, hands coming up to his hair and tugging just for something to hold on to, something to anchor him so he doesn't fly apart at the seams because how could he be so _stupid?_

"Oh, God. Simon, I-I am so, so sorry, I thought-I mean-Oh fuck, I'm so fucking-"

He's cut off by Simon grabbing the back of his neck, staring him straight in the eye and yanking him down to kiss him again. And this time it is so, so much better because Simon is alive under him and honestly, why has he let this silence go on so fucking long?

His hands move to Simons hips, pulling them closer together as Simon pushes him toward the wall again, Jace feeling his shoulder blades press against the wood and Simon's hands travel up to his hair and then Simon does something with his mouth and he _tugs_ at the same time, and Jace lets a groan escape from deep within his chest because this pales in comparison to being bitten.

They're moving together, bodies pressed flushed against the other and every movement being mirrored with perfect synchrony, pushing and pulling and opening and closing and simply _being_.

When they finally break away for Jace to gasp for air, his head doesn't ever get more than 5 inches from Simon's, as he leans his head against Simon's forehead and just takes it all in again; the way his eyes are glassy and blown wide, his spit slicked lips that part slightly as if to take in a breath before his fangs pop out instead, long white incisors that make Jace almost go weak in the knees.

They stand like that for an eternity in a second, the quiet hallway punctuated with the sharp, quiet intakes of breath before the silence is broken.

"Hey."

Jace huffs out a quiet laugh before a grin stretches slowly over his face. 

"Hey."

"You're not bad."

"Not bad?"

"Solid 6 out of 10."

This time, they both grin, small chuckles rising like carbonated bubbles from their throats.

"Only a 6?"

"Well, you wanna show me better?"

They walk back the way they came, arms held tightly around the other, and Simon latches onto Jace's neck as he tries to open the door, and failing as his head thuds back against the frame and his hand grasps Simon's shirt tighter.

He comes up, leaving no bite marks and smiling a devilish smile.

"Sorry. Force of habit."

Jace pushes the door open and shoves him back inside.

It closes as a body is pushed up against it, and the lock clicking is muffled by a long, drawn out moan coming from the other side.


End file.
